So how do you know how much you should really compromise in a relationship? I mean there are definitely levels of understanding between both people on things that each person has to deal with. But when does that level of understanding get abused and you start treading into the land of settling? One thing for sure is that I love him, very much. I have known this for many years. But another thing that I know is that long-distance relationships are very HARD. I promised myself at least a year ago that I would not get into another long-distance relationship again because first of all the relationship can't grow like it needs to. Secondly, no matter how much you know someone when you are together the time and distance apart gives a lot of room for people to change and then how do you really know that person any more. And then, is it fair to an unsuspecting relationship to be reminded of past feelings and friends that bring doubts and concerns into your current relationship? I know that all of this seems very vague and confusing and random but that is how my head feels right now.

Less than a week ago I was certain and confident in my relationship with this guy I am seeing. We have known each other 6 years, lived together (innocently) for a year and a half while I was working outside the country, and during that time he was absolutely my best friend. While there however I was dating his cousin without really knowing his true feelings for me. After returning to the states for about 6 months we decided to become a couple. We dated for a year long-distance and I even went to go see him. When plans for him to come here failed the devastation was too much for both of us so we split up. We stopped talking for a while but our conversations became more frequent. Two more years have past and we have been talking and realized that we do still love each other. We are still apart, far apart, and issues with his relocation still exist. This past weekend however we had the opportunity to talk on the phone and the one hour conversation was great. It felt natural and not forced.

Then enters confusion.

Fourteen years ago I went away to college. My first week at this new school I met a guy that was starting a singing group and indicated that I wanted the opportunity to join. This was the start to a friendship that was strong and life-long. From that point on he and I spent nearly every day together working on stuff for the group or just hanging out. We were always just friends despite all the questions each of us got from others about it. On occasion we would act as if we were a couple, sitting on the couch cuddling, or shopping together, visiting his family for Thanksgiving, but this was all still just as friends. Sometime during my freshman year I did start to develop strong feelings for him and even the thought of marrying him had crossed my mind. He however didn't feel quite the same way but we never talked about it. After 3 years of college and countless days and time together, life got in the way and I transferred schools. He and I lost touch for the next 10 years. Periodically over that time I would try and search for him but nothing ever came of it. Two weeks ago after moving up to Virginia and being here for about a month I tried again to see if I could find him. Luck was on my side this time because I discovered that he works about 15-20 minutes away from my new job. I sent an email to the contact that knew him 5 days ago and the very next morning he called me. We talked a few times that day and made plans to hang out the next day. When I saw him for the first time again after 10 years nothing had changed. He looked exactly the same, our conversations were like we were back in college, we reminisced, laughed and had a wonderful time. We even talked about how we felt about each other back in college. After many hours of talking it was quite late and he ended up staying the night in my guest room (honestly). I do have to say though that seeing him again and realizing how well we know each other and how comfortable it is to be around each other and how nice it is to be around someone like that, I still have feelings for him. I tend to wonder if it was just ironic how our paths paralleled and how out of all the places in the world we ended up in the same place. Or is there a reason for this. So get this, he lived out of the country for several years, so did I. He is a teacher, so am I. He has been having pain in his back causing him sciatica, so did I. He is a dreamer, an idea man, and I am the details woman. (This is one thing that drew us together in college too). He has passion for life and for certain things, so do I. He is vegetarian, so am I. He is Adventist, so am I. I am not saying that just because we have all of these things in common or that we have this history or even that we have a friendship that is like a rock that that means we are supposed to be together. What I wonder is that if there is even a remote possibility that all of what has happened is not part of irony and it was just the path we both needed to be on to be at this point now in the same place physically, spiritually and emotionally.

I am just trying to figure out what I really feel, what I really want, and what I really need.