So how do you know how much you should really compromise in a relationship? I mean there are definitely levels of understanding between both people on things that each person has to deal with. But when does that level of understanding get abused and you start treading into the land of settling? One thing for sure is that I love him, very much. I have known this for many years. But another thing that I know is that long-distance relationships are very HARD. I promised myself at least a year ago that I would not get into another long-distance relationship again because first of all the relationship can't grow like it needs to. Secondly, no matter how much you know someone when you are together the time and distance apart gives a lot of room for people to change and then how do you really know that person any more. And then, is it fair to an unsuspecting relationship to be reminded of past feelings and friends that bring doubts and concerns into your current relationship? I know that all of this seems very vague and confusing and random but that is how my head feels right now.

Less than a week ago I was certain and confident in my relationship with this guy I am seeing. We have known each other 6 years, lived together (innocently) for a year and a half while I was working outside the country, and during that time he was absolutely my best friend. While there however I was dating his cousin without really knowing his true feelings for me. After returning to the states for about 6 months we decided to become a couple. We dated for a year long-distance and I even went to go see him. When plans for him to come here failed the devastation was too much for both of us so we split up. We stopped talking for a while but our conversations became more frequent. Two more years have past and we have been talking and realized that we do still love each other. We are still apart, far apart, and issues with his relocation still exist. This past weekend however we had the opportunity to talk on the phone and the one hour conversation was great. It felt natural and not forced.

Then enters confusion.

Fourteen years ago I went away to college. My first week at this new school I met a guy that was starting a singing group and indicated that I wanted the opportunity to join. This was the start to a friendship that was strong and life-long. From that point on he and I spent nearly every day together working on stuff for the group or just hanging out. We were always just friends despite all the questions each of us got from others about it. On occasion we would act as if we were a couple, sitting on the couch cuddling, or shopping together, visiting his family for Thanksgiving, but this was all still just as friends. Sometime during my freshman year I did start to develop strong feelings for him and even the thought of marrying him had crossed my mind. He however didn't feel quite the same way but we never talked about it. After 3 years of college and countless days and time together, life got in the way and I transferred schools. He and I lost touch for the next 10 years. Periodically over that time I would try and search for him but nothing ever came of it. Two weeks ago after moving up to Virginia and being here for about a month I tried again to see if I could find him. Luck was on my side this time because I discovered that he works about 15-20 minutes away from my new job. I sent an email to the contact that knew him 5 days ago and the very next morning he called me. We talked a few times that day and made plans to hang out the next day. When I saw him for the first time again after 10 years nothing had changed. He looked exactly the same, our conversations were like we were back in college, we reminisced, laughed and had a wonderful time. We even talked about how we felt about each other back in college. After many hours of talking it was quite late and he ended up staying the night in my guest room (honestly). I do have to say though that seeing him again and realizing how well we know each other and how comfortable it is to be around each other and how nice it is to be around someone like that, I still have feelings for him. I tend to wonder if it was just ironic how our paths paralleled and how out of all the places in the world we ended up in the same place. Or is there a reason for this. So get this, he lived out of the country for several years, so did I. He is a teacher, so am I. He has been having pain in his back causing him sciatica, so did I. He is a dreamer, an idea man, and I am the details woman. (This is one thing that drew us together in college too). He has passion for life and for certain things, so do I. He is vegetarian, so am I. He is Adventist, so am I. I am not saying that just because we have all of these things in common or that we have this history or even that we have a friendship that is like a rock that that means we are supposed to be together. What I wonder is that if there is even a remote possibility that all of what has happened is not part of irony and it was just the path we both needed to be on to be at this point now in the same place physically, spiritually and emotionally.

I am just trying to figure out what I really feel, what I really want, and what I really need.

So Tropical Storm Fay hit on Monday and that gave me yesterday and today off from work. Yay!, because I was so tired. I don't really know why but I was. So I have been super lazy for the last 3 days and I love it. Although I am getting a little bored with it. Tomorrow I have some meetings to go to and I need to do a bit of grocery shopping so that will break up the boredness. My life is about to become so busy I don't know what I will do with myself.

Pray for me. I can foresee severe tiredness in my future.

Ok, so I haven't posted here in like Forever! I have been so busy with work this past year that I guess I couldn't find the time to post. But, things are going great. I am working 4 jobs right now which keep me insanely busy but I love them. And I am in love with the greatest man ever. His name is Eustache and he just came to visit me last week. He left yesterday and I already miss him terribly.

I am really going to try to post more often here, let's see how that plan works out. :)

I think I must be the luckiest and happiest person in the world right now. I am in love with an amazing man that makes me so happy. I know last time I said that I still have secrets and I do but I have to get some of this out.

Like I said I have known him for 3 years. For the last year and a half we have been off and on. Mostly due to distance, which will soon no longer be an issue. We talked today for a little while and one thing that he told me was that he loved me and wished that the whole world could know it. That is such a sweet thing to say and it is something that I will never forget. It is as good as when he first told me that he loves me more than anyone ever could. Exact words.

I can't wait for July.

Happiness ensues.

It's amazing how blind a person can be when they have their eyes open. I am in love completely with someone and I have been so blind to this fact for such a long time. Fortunatley my obliviousness has been remedied. I now know with every fiber of my being how much I love him. I have known him for 3 years now and he is so much more than the man I love. He is my best friend, my sounding board, my rock. We have even talked about marriage. I would love nothing more than to be this man's wife. I want to spend my life with him making him happy because I am so happy with him.

One day soon.

I still have secrets.

Sometimes, my forearms hurt a lot. They hurt so badly that I can't sleep. This happens to be one of those days. I hate it. I am tired and I have to wake up early because I have to go to the mechanic to get my car fixed in the morning. Oh yeah that's another thing. My car broke down on Sabbath morning on my way to church. The clutch went out. I have been without a car since then and I don't like it at all. I had some serious plans to get some good work done on my thesis and I have had to put that on hold because of this.

I need to go to Walmart and get some tables, Michaels to look for feathers, Utrech for some blender pens, somewhere to buy food. Just a bunch of places and now I have to wait. And it is already week 3. This is bad. I need to have all my pieces finished by the end of this quarter so that next quarter all I am doing is just tweaking and modifying my work. I will have it done there is no question about that I just have to keep remining myself of this.

I also have to stay on top of the writing. I actually did really well today. I got my questions done for my primary sources, made my writing schedule, updated my outline. There are a few more books that I need to get because I want to use them for the writing but now I have to wait. This car thing is really messing me up. Grrr.

BUT, here is some good news, the other night I talked to this guy I like for 2 hours on the phone. It was nice. We talked about a bunch of stuff. I have mixed feelings about whether or not I think he likes me. On the one hand we have great conversations, he told me that I have an open heart. (that sounds like a good thing). But on the other hand he talks as if we are just friends. That is fine because we are but it would be nice to feel a little bit like he did like me. Don't get me wrong slow is good but it is a bit hard at times. We'll see. This may end up totally different than I expect and so much more than I could have imagined.

I am going to try and sleep again. Wish me luck. G'night.

I am in very deep like with someone. I don't fear to say his name as this is posted on the internet and somehow information tends to leak. Just know this, that after only knowing him for a few months and spending time together only a handful of times I very much like this guy. He is so much more responsible than any other guy I have ever liked. He has everything on my list of what I want. I can't help but smile everytime I look at him or see his name on my caller id. But, here is my key word, SLOWLY. I am, I must take this slowly. I know myself and I know very much that I want to rush things and that isn't the way to go. So I am actually proud of myself that I am allowing this to go as slowly as it is. I am also guarding my heart a whole lot better than in the past. Either I have gotten better at this or I have been hurt too much. Either way it is good.

I don't have time for a guy right now anyway. I am 6 months away from graduating and I can't split my focus. That would be bad.

Anyway, I'm tired and I am going to go to bed. 'Night